Tommy: "I l-left a message."

Richard: "A message? What number did you call?"

Tommy: "Two, four, niner, five, six, seven..."

Richard: "I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?"

Tommy: "No, it was cordless."

Richard: "You know what? Don't. Not here, not now."

Tommy: "Did you hear I finally graduated?"

Richard: "Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right."

Tommy: "You know a lot of people go to college for seven years."

Richard: "I know, they're called doctors."

Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.

Richard: Are you talking?

Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

"I was just checking the specs on the endline for the…rotary…girder… I’m retarded."

"Holy Schnike!"

"Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug."

"I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here."

"Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you."

"You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP! There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming, "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out."

"Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it? No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull."

"I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that... was... *awesome*. ... but, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks."

♫♫ Fat guy in a little coat ♫♫

Tommy: "Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident."

Richard: "True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE."

"The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times."

"Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa?... Or is it SPANKY?"

"What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants."

"Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?"

"Ted, send over a bottle of bubbly in a bucket of ice and a card. Have the card read, 'Tough luck, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.'"